the trick is to keep breathing

It seems like it started overnight.  One day I was fine and then quietly, all of the sudden, I wasn’t anymore.  One thing that you should know is that my friends like to affectionately refer to me as a crazy cat lady, and I must admit that I live up to the nickname in full.  I am the proud human to four lovable kitties and I can never get enough of them, cat pictures, or any other assorted memorabilia depicing my feline friends.  In the early months of 2015, all four of my boys needed to be hospitalized after they were exposed to lillies, which unbeknownst to my family and myself are highly toxic to cats.  After a three day stay at the vet and follow-up blood tests, they all were okay with no apparent lasting effects. Research during their experience told me that only 35% of cat owners actually know how deadly these lovely flowers can be for their feline companions.  I decided then and there that I needed to do whatever I could to try to make sure that no other family went through what mine did for lack of knowledge about something so simple to aviod.  I broadcasted what I had learned on social media and even spoke directly to friends who I knew had cats at home. 

All of my energy channeled into trying to figure out potential outreach possibilities kept me occupied for a while.  However, as the weeks went by, I started to notice a change within myself.  I found myself double checking things that I was already sure I had done but unable to forgo a second look.  Things that didn’t worry me before suddenly took on a whole new look and became potential risks rather than seeminly harmless objects.  And I would hyperfocus on things that I could have potentially done wrong, and second guess myself on things that I knew I had done a million times.  I told myself I was just still trying to move past the fear that almost losing my boys instilled in me.  It is now November of 2015 and I am faced with the reality that I have progressed into stages of anxiety and depression.  My life feels like a rollercoaster where rather than a feeling of adrenaline that I normally experience from that stomach-plummetining drop, I experience crippling anxiety. When I’m on the uphill, I feel completely fine and although I do worry about more than I used to, for the most part I feel optimistic and content. But then there’s the downside, and when I find myself falling into one of what I refer to as my “bad feeling nights” (because it does always happen at night when I’m alone with my thoughts) I begin to have not only the emotional reaction but also a physical one.  I start to sweat, my stomach rolls, and I can’t eat or sleep until I physically exhaust myself to the point of falling asleep without any thoughts creeping into my head.  It makes me feel as if something terrible is coming, looming over me when there’s nothing I can do to stop it or make it better.  So how do I cope now? I keep myself as busy as possible and then when it becomes late enough to sleep, I read anything I feel like until I am too tired to keep my eyes open any longer.  These days the bad nights are definitely fewer than the good but when a bad feeling night decides to make an appearance all I can do is wait it out and hope that the sun will come back soon.

I definintely don’t have all the answers to help myself or anyone else but I figure maybe if somone just knows they aren’t alone in feeling like they have no control over whether they’re crying or smiling at any given time then maybe I’ve helped just a little bit and my struggle won’t be for nothing.  

So here’s what I’ve figured out so far (or what I think I have anyways):
1. Reach out to trusted loved ones- let them know what you’re going through and if there’s anything you can think of that they can do to help you, even if its just to keep you preoccupied for an evening or two
2. Find productive hobbies that you can do alone and preferably in your own home- for me, reading is my escape of choice, I also began to study for the GRE just as another way to keep my mind thoroughly occupied
3. Try to stay positive and remember that no matter what, it will get better- you don’t have to tell me twice that this is so much easier said than done, in fact it can be almost impossible, but repeating this to yourself may help you stabilize and regain some perspective about how much good there is out there 

I’m not sure that I will ever fully get back to the (mostly) carefree person that I once was but I’ve learned that I am strong enough to withstand whatever my emotions decide to throw at me and that I will always have my family and friends (any my boys) to turn to when I just need a little extra help.  As the saying goes, “Its not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”.